Reflections

I have begun making preliminary plans for my forthcoming 30^th birthday celebration and can’t help but reflect on where I was at the various stages of my life. Fortunately I have been blogging throughout my entire existence so I was able to go back through entry archives for the various decades of my life. Here are a few selections.

12 February 1977 (Age: -1 month)

I’ve been thinking about moving but you know, for a uterus this place isn’t half bad. Maybe I should have signed more than a 9-month lease. On the other hand, the accommodations have been a major strain on my sex life. Floating around in amniotic fluid all day has permanently raisin’d my budding digits and this fetal position has completely wrecked my posture, neither of which are gonna help me with the ladies. Plus my mom is ALWAYS around either fussing over me or complaining about what I am up to. I’m pushing on her kidneys, I give her high blood pressure, I instigate food cravings, etc. Yeah right, I don’t even like tuna salad so there’s no way that casserole was my idea.

Besides, it probably is time to move on. Geez, it seems like just yesterday that I could count on one hand how many of my cells had divided and now my head has almost completely turn toward the birth canal. But I think getting out and growing will be a good thing. This Star Wars movie that’s coming out sounds like it’s gonna kick serious ass and I can’t wait to figure out what this thing between my legs is for. (I’m definitely gonna stick it in something and see what happens.) Yeah, growing up is gonna be cool.

21 June 1987 (Age: 10)

Swim practice was crazy, it was so cold this morning that all the girls were smuggling raisins (that what James said it’s called when girls’ nipples stick out). Man, I had such a boner! I think once fifth grade starts in the fall I should probably start dating. That’s when we get to take sex ed. so then I’ll know what to do.

Dude! I was trying to fit one of my GI Joe’s (Flint) in the cockpit of an X-Wing Fighter but I snapped one of his knee joints. It sucked. Anyway, I’ve been thinking that I need to start taking control of my life and I am going to start by taking better care of my Joe’s. I’ve already lost Storm Shadow’s bow and Zartan’s facemask, and the Crimson Twins are so scuffed up that I can’t even tell which one is Tomax and which one is Xamot anymore. I need to make a change.

Oh yeah! I was talking to Eddie the other day about our ideas for a new Star Wars movie. That would be so awesome, there is no way it could suck.

14 April 1997 (Age: 20)

Fucking Christ will this semester ever end?!? I haven’t even started my goddamn final project for Electronics lab yet. I can’t believe I was stuck with this hick from Big Stone Gap as a lab partner. He barely understands something as simple as Ohm’s Law and he lost the 10x probe for the oscilloscope. What a dumbass! I was so pissed when I got out of class today that I started flaming some newbie on alt.news.music.davematthewsband.tapetraders who was trying to trade a 2^nd gen audience (!) tape from some Floodzone show for a 1^st gen soundboard tape of the ’95 Roseland show with Trey and Popper. Are you fucking kidding me? People are such losers. (This dorm dial-up is so slow! I can’t wait to move off campus and buy a 56kb modem. That thing is gonna smoke!)

Anyway, I am so stressed out that I am definitely getting fucked up tonight. I’ve got at least five Beast Ice’s in my mini-fridge and I think Scott still has half of that bottle of Goldschlagger we stole from that shitty frat party last week. There’s supposed to be a party out in Foxridge that the girls from the sixth floor are going to and I am all over that. I think that chick Julia with the huge juggs that everyone calls Top Heavy is going as well. I was behind her in the breakfast line at Dietrich yesterday, oh my God! Everyone tells me I need to be a dick if I am gonna hook up with one of these chicks, so tonight is the night. I’m gonna talk to her at the party and be a complete dick…I hope my roommate isn’t home tonight.

Oh yeah! There was an article online about the new Star Wars movie. It’s gonna be so sweet! A young Obi-Wan Kenobi, how could it not be awesome? There is no possible way this movie could suck.

Huh. It seems like very little has changed over the years -- save for the naivetee regarding the new Star Wars films. Perhaps turning 30 will bring on a bit of a maturation process.