Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Things That I Will Keep

Coordinating plans for Saturday and my mind spun off on one of its tangents. I was having a conversation with a buddy about going to the Nats game (Chad Cordero Bobblehead Day) with he and his soon-to-be-wife. The game is at 1pm so we (he and I) thought it would be a brilliant idea to meet at a bar at 8am to watch some World Cup action for 3 hours and then head over to RFK to watch baseball for 3 hours. Not surprisingly, we (he and I) were the only ones who thought it was such a good idea. So why is it that we (guys, in general) enjoy making elaborate plans to do stupid shit while they (women, in general) just think it's stupid? My guess is that it is some primordial alpha-male thing. It's about having/doing things. It's about notches.

Almost everything in a guy's life (be it tangible or otherwise) is part of a Collection. A collection of things, experiences, lovers, whatever that we can track, arrange, and display:
  • Starting at dawn to watch World Cup Soccer and then hours of baseball - yet another male-dominant activity to file away in the "Remember that time we..." department.
  • Repurchasing all four Uncle Tupelo albums - these are the remasters that can be filed side-by-syde with the original pressings you own.
  • Routing your flight to Seattle through Phoenix instead of Denver - you've never been to Phoenix, even if it is just the airport.
  • Eating a hamburger topped with chili and a fried egg - that's what they do there.
  • Watching the entire Star Wars trilogy in 8 hours while mixing cocktails - just to say you did it.

These are the things that we have and can look back upon. We compare all of this stupid shit to to other guys' stupid shit and somehow feeling better about ourselves because of it. Our lives are an ever continuing game of oneupsmanship. We are collectors. We are conquerors.

From what very little information I have about the female psyche, this just is not an issue for them. OK, there are some women with enormous shoe collections but at least it's a practical item. Women buy shoes to wear them out. Women buy shoes just in case such-and-such occasion requires such-and-such ensemble in such-and-such weather. At least they are for a stated purpose even if this imagined scenario never comes to light. Having two copies of a certain album becasue one copy's tracks are sequenced differently than the other's, that' s just a pathology. At this point Function and Practicality exited the room hours ago.

This leaves us where? Hopefully with a common understanding that women's emotional irrationality is equalled or even exceed by man's irrationality when it comes to self-amusement. We're all fucked up.


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