Thursday, September 07, 2006

Man vs. Beast

Although an armistice appears to be in place, I spent much of the Labor Day weekend at war -- with a squirrel.

My building has three floors and I live on the top floor where a large tree hangs over my bedroom window and serves as the perfect walkway for squirrels to get onto my AC unit where they can then mess about on the window sill. Fine. No problem. It is usually amusing in a quaint sort of way however something changed this weekend. It seems that in Courthouse, the pact between man and squirrel has changed. Remember the Seinfeld episode where George ran over a squirrel that should have ran away when he drove near it? ("We had an agreement!") That is the way I assume the world worked: Squirrel violates Man's space, Man confronts Squirrel, Squirrel scurries away, Man remains atop food chain. How naive of me...

Saturday morning, extremely hungover (probably still drunk), I awoke at 7am to a horrible racket outside my bedroom window. At first I thought it was my AC unit grinding to a slow death so I blindly reached around for the remote to shut it off. Realizing that I had never turned it on, I looked over at my window and saw the shadow of a squirrel on the other side of the insulating material surrounding the AC unit. I threw a couple of pillows at the window, but the damn thing wouldn't go away. Angry and tired, I went over to the window where the little bastard had started clawing a small hole in the insulation. I banged on the window and the AC unit but to no avail. It would not go away so I was left with only one recourse; I punched the squirrel. Before you go calling the ASPCA, it was not a Liston-like haymaker or anything like that. I just sorta punched the insulating material of which he was on the other side. That finally startled him enough to go away -- for a little while. Later that morning I went back into my room and found three long gashes in the insulation. That fucking squirrel had come back and continued his damage. Now fuming, I ultimately resigned myslef to going back to my business as I could not find the little fucker after I ran outside in search of it. All was quiet until the next day.

Sunday morning I woke up to the same sound and lo and behold that fucking squirrel was back trying to put another hole in the insulation. This time I Was Pissed. I went over to the window and looked out one of the holes. That son of a bitch eyeballed me and sat there staring me down. Knowing that a stiff jab was not going to cut it this time around I had to elevate the situation. I went into my closet, grabbed a wire hanger, and jabbed the little fucker through one of the openings (relax, I used the rounded end). Looking out to see what damage, if any, I had done it was still sitting there. Eyeballing me. Not yet willing to crawl out onto my window ledge, I made another tactical retreat.

To date, said squirrel has not returned but I doubt this is the end of it. My family, having found no end to the hilarity of the situation, has been providing all manner of unsolicited advice. My grandfather, a man who has spent a lifetime defending his home gardens from vermin, offered some sage words of wisdom. So now I will be spending my Saturday covering the holes with duct tape and steel wool because, "squirrels can't chew through steel wool." Wonderful.

Of late, I really hate nature.

9 Comments:

At 9/07/2006 1:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Get a water gun. That is a GREAT way to surprise the shit out of a squirrel..haha.

 
At 9/07/2006 1:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

and PS: anonymous isn't really anonymous--it's Ryane. thanks for the suggestion on how to outsmart blogger beta...

 
At 9/07/2006 10:40 PM, Anonymous DCVita said...

Hey this thins is weird...I can't post a comment! ( 3rd try)

That was the best post ever! Very amusing and had me laughing out loud...Hope your situation is all under control!

 
At 9/08/2006 9:18 AM, Blogger Jason said...

Blogger Beta sucks. If you choose "other" you can type in your handle and then link your web address. What a pain.

Anyway, no. Things are not under control. I got home yesterday and found 3 new slashes in the insulation. I'm gonna have a big-ass hole come winter. After screaming to an empty apartment yesterday I have decided that the squirrel must die. That's life in the State of Nature and this squirrel is gonna learn a nasty little lesson courtesy of me and Mr. Hobbes. ...life is nasty, brutish, and short.

 
At 9/08/2006 1:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

ummm...how on are you going to kill the squirrel? (should one even ask??)

--Ryane

 
At 9/08/2006 1:59 PM, Blogger Jason said...

I don't know yet. I'm not really into firearms so that's out and hand-to-hand combat isn't really my forte either. Plus there are the collateral damage concerns. From a distance I don't if I could recognize the little bastard on sight, and I don't want take down any innocent "civilians."

The most feasible plan of attack is poison. Maybe I can score some strychnine or the like. Mash it into a paste and coat the outside of the window with it. However that could prove tricky what with being on the third floor.

I don't know. I'll probably cool and forget about. Then it will finally break through into my room in the midddle of the night and give me rabies.

 
At 9/08/2006 2:47 PM, Anonymous Chris said...

Your an engineer, USE ELECTRICITY!
that way you can meade out the justice is measured means.
Last time I checked that steel wool you have there carries current.

 
At 9/08/2006 4:27 PM, Blogger Dara said...

Treat it like a really big mouse. Traps, bait, and poison.

 
At 9/20/2006 7:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi. I just stumbled upon your blog. Though I've never tried it myself, I hear air rifles are good for rodent killing. It might make the squirrel explode though, and that could create a mess. Alternatively, start feeding the squirrel something besides insulation and adopt it as a pet.

 

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