Climbing the 22-Foot Pole

I'm home, I'm tired, I'm hungover, but I think I finally washed all of the stripper smell off of me. That pungent mix of perfume, commerce, and shame creates an oderiferous haze that will permeate and ultimately take control of any natural fibers one might be wearing. Rayon may be a bachelor party's best friend.

All in all I would say that our bachelor party weekend in State College was a resounding success. Everyone was in good spirits -- until the seemingly endless drive home -- and nothing required the presence of medical or constabulary personnel. As far as these affairs go, our experience was probably very typical save for a few minor twists unique to any group of friends who have know each other for 15+ years. One of the interesting things about the trip was our streamlined group consciousness when it came to the obligatory aspect of the strip club. As in, "Let's just do this, put a 'check mark' next to it, and get downtown so we can get bombed."

The Sex Industry is so fascinating because it is very very un-erotic. There seems to be very little that is actually sexy about it.

The Show

I love women. I love the female form. But something about transacting in order to observe it, for a buck at a time no less, is more than a little bit sad. Yeah the sights are good -- sometimes really good -- but after a while it becomes almost sterile, like a scientific observation. I think a "striptease" in and of itself can be very sexy. Salome and her seven veils, a Josephine Baker performance, and even Jamie Lee Curtis in True Lies: these things are sexy. There is a tease and tension and something left to the imagination. As for the strips clubs we end up at on bachelor parties there isn't any of that. What is supposed to be a show ends up rather like a display...a gynecological exam. And there is NOTHING sexy about that.

The Lapdance

Same problem as before; it's not very sexy. I think it has to do with the total lack of sensuality. Yes closeness, contact, and intimacy are extremely arousing but not when you've paid someone because really it is just feigned intimacy with two parties trying to close a deal. For example if you are out in the real world away from the see-through platform shoes and bullseye tattoos, the idea of a woman breathing on your neck, getting in close etcetera, is very hot. But when a naked stripper says "Hi! I'm Valentine!" and starts grinding on your lap, the mystery is gone and you just try to keep from laughing.

The Paradigm Shift

The freakiest aspect of the the strip club scene is that after you leave, your perception of reality has been distorted and it takes a while to regain your sea legs. This is especially true if you have been drinking. A lot. Instead of utilizing reflections and peripheral glances, you continue to directly oggle any woman in your line of sight. Unabashedly so. If an attractive woman in a revealing outfit is anywhere nearby, you instinctively reach for a wad of $1 bills in your pocket. It seems ridiculous that every woman woman you meet is not absolutely interested in you. You forget that it is inappropriate to have a conversation with a woman's breasts. Shaking yourself out of this altered state is a lengthy process that usually involves drinking even more. Be very careful.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and
expecting different results.
-Benjamin Franklin

I have at least five more bachelor parties to attend in the next nine months. I have no doubt that they will all involve women who are paid to be naked in our presence. Each time it will seem like a fantastic idea. Being a man means that there are very few lessons learned.