Thursday, November 16, 2006

Parents Just Don't Understand

I cannot believe that I had to call my parents and scold them yesterday. Scold them for not being more considerate. Scold them for not being more discreet. Scold them for not...not...not just resigning to old age and turning in their libidos. My poor sister; I'm just glad it wasn't me.

Yesterday afternoon my sister called me wondering aloud if her county health insurance would cover psychotherapy. These sort of dramatics are a little over the top for her so I had no idea what she was talking about. After informing her that I was not in the mood for this kind of crap, the worst story I have ever heard came pouring out.

"I called mom. I told her I was coming over. They knew I was coming over."
"Yeah, so?"
"So, I went over."
"So what? I really don't have time for this."
"They were going at it."
"Shut the fuck up! You walked in on them?"
"No. I could hear them from the kitchen!!"
"What did you do?"
"I started banging on the wall and told them to stop."

Eww. They are not supposed to be doing that, right? I mean my parents were only supposed to have sex twice. Once to conceive me and once for my sister. Done. Stictly for procreational -- not recreational -- purposes. Confused and mildy traumatized I called my mom at home and demanded that she explain this lascivious behavior.

"You know that she and I come over unannounced all the time. You shouldn't be doing that."
"Doing what?"
"You know what. She called me."
"Do you two just play telephone all day?"
"You. Shouldn't. Be. Doing. That!"
"Why not?"
"You're old."
"I would think that you would be happy that your father and I still love each other."
"Yeah, but you don't have to love each other."
"This is none of your business. I don't probe into your personal life."
"You do everyday!"
"Hmm. Yes, and while were on this subject, are you running around with loose women?"

Fucking derailed. This is my mom, she can turn a conversation on a dime. I am the one who is supposed to be on the moral high horse and without even knowing it she trapped me within the walls of my own glass house. Interestingly, this is one of the very few conversations I have ever had with my mother about sex.

Throughout my adult life we have been engaged in this delicate dance where she gets to convince herself that her once-Catholic son, being unmarried, leads a very celibate life. Not unlike how I once naively sold myself on the idea of my parents having retired the sexual aspect of their relationship. Well since that illusion has been shattered it is time for a little tit-for-tat.

That's it. I'm shaggin' someone in my old bedroom.


At 11/16/2006 8:11 AM, Blogger Ryane said...

HAHA. That's an interesting twist. Do your parents read your blog?

At 11/16/2006 9:17 AM, Blogger Jason said...


At 11/16/2006 10:15 AM, Blogger DCVita said...

LMAO! That was so funny. I can't imagine ...EWWWWWW! Yes, that would be extremely traumatizing.

At 11/16/2006 1:53 PM, Anonymous Elizabeth said...

Seriously. You need to grow up.

At 11/16/2006 2:43 PM, Blogger Jason said...

Nope. Uh-uh. I am clearly in the right.

At 11/16/2006 5:46 PM, Anonymous Elizabeth said...

People who are blessed with parents that are still married and still shagging should see it as that - a blessing. Consider the alternative - some people's parents are shagging people who are not their parents. As a child of divorce I've been dealing with this concept since I was 10 - think about non-parental dating and sleepovers when you're a kid - so I think your parents are firmly in the right. Shag on, Parents!

At 11/17/2006 11:10 AM, Blogger DC Super Powers said...

You have inspired me to write about an incident that occured 7 years ago. An incident that I believe led to my needing eye surgery at age 28. I walked in on my parents ON CHRISTMAS DAY. I'll be writing about this shortly... In the meantime, a nice stiff round of clorox on the rocks should do the trick.

At 11/17/2006 2:20 PM, Blogger Dara said...

My grandparents have always had no problem saying somewhat racy things to each other in front of the entire family. We all think it's icky.

When my parents do it, I tell my mom that she should know better.

And you didn't actually see it, so consider yourself lucky.

At 11/25/2006 8:03 PM, Blogger SAS said...

Oh come on - somehow this must be of comfort. It means you have good genes and lots of energy to bring into your own old(er) age.

Couples who stop having sex are almost as depressing as couples who stop having conversations.


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