Parents Just Don't Understand

I cannot believe that I had to call my parents and scold them yesterday. Scold them for not being more considerate. Scold them for not being more discreet. Scold them for not...not...not just resigning to old age and turning in their libidos. My poor sister; I'm just glad it wasn't me.

Yesterday afternoon my sister called me wondering aloud if her county health insurance would cover psychotherapy. These sort of dramatics are a little over the top for her so I had no idea what she was talking about. After informing her that I was not in the mood for this kind of crap, the worst story I have ever heard came pouring out.

"I called mom. I told her I was coming over. They knew I was coming over."
"Yeah, so?"
"So, I went over."
"So what? I really don't have time for this."
"They were going at it."
"Shut the fuck up! You walked in on them?"
"No. I could hear them from the kitchen!!"
"What did you do?"
"I started banging on the wall and told them to stop."

Eww. They are not supposed to be doing that, right? I mean my parents were only supposed to have sex twice. Once to conceive me and once for my sister. Done. Stictly for procreational -- not recreational -- purposes. Confused and mildy traumatized I called my mom at home and demanded that she explain this lascivious behavior.

"You know that she and I come over unannounced all the time. You shouldn't be doing that."
"Doing what?"
"You know what. She called me."
"Do you two just play telephone all day?"
"You. Shouldn't. Be. Doing. That!"
"Why not?"
"You're old."
"I would think that you would be happy that your father and I still love each other."
"Yeah, but you don't have to love each other."
"This is none of your business. I don't probe into your personal life."
"You do everyday!"
"Hmm. Yes, and while were on this subject, are you running around with loose women?"

Fucking derailed. This is my mom, she can turn a conversation on a dime. I am the one who is supposed to be on the moral high horse and without even knowing it she trapped me within the walls of my own glass house. Interestingly, this is one of the very few conversations I have ever had with my mother about sex.

Throughout my adult life we have been engaged in this delicate dance where she gets to convince herself that her once-Catholic son, being unmarried, leads a very celibate life. Not unlike how I once naively sold myself on the idea of my parents having retired the sexual aspect of their relationship. Well since that illusion has been shattered it is time for a little tit-for-tat.

That's it. I'm shaggin' someone in my old bedroom.