Nick The Lounge Singer

In my next life I am going to tour around a bunch of shitty eastern resorts doing lounge versions of my favorite indie rock songs. The old people won't know the difference and I could probably make a killing. Of course that means I will be spending most of my days in places like the Poconos, the Catskills, the Finger Lakes, and Asheville, but what the hell. It beats working for a living.

Nothing makes a man like a rented suit. So obviously this is my getup from this past wedding weekend -- which was fantastic. I hate wearing ties. I loathe them. As soon as the ceremony concluded I ripped off my tie and opend the collar of my shirt. I always complain that the ties I wear (on the rare occasions that I am forced to put one on) are choking me. The last time I was wearing a tux, my parents were at the wedding. Since I love to bitch, and I love bitching to my parents the most, I was complaining to my mom how uncomfortable my tie was. She grabbed my collar and slipped her whole hand between my neck and the collar and said "Jason, you could fit another head in there. Stop making a scene." I love it.

Last Saturday was no exception so as soon as the reception started the tie was off and put away for good. And this did not go unnoticed. I am a professional shit-giver and I love people who like to give shit right back. My buddy's new mother-in-law is a special kind of shit-giver because she doesn't even know she's doing it. I was on the grill most of the weekend and just eating it up. She would give me little quips here and there but one of the best was because of the tie. "Oh, you took your tie off...it looks sharp." And that was that. My cue that I probably should have left it on. Fantastic.

She got me again the next day. Don't invite me into your home because I will make myself at home. Immediately. It's a terrible habit but I will right away open the fridge or the cupboards and just help myself. I can be a very tacky guest. So after inviting myself over to the in-laws home the next day, tired and hungover, I immediately flopped on their huge sectional sofa, grabbed a couple of pillows, spread out, and took a nice nap. Just on the brink of slumber, mother-in-law was heading out on some errands and told me, "Jason, I was going to tell you to make yourself at home but I guess I don't have to." Two of her daughters were lounging as well and almost pissed themselves trying to keep from laughing. I love a shit-giver. It makes me feel at home. And it was a great nap.