So you wanna be a rock 'n roll star?

As unpredictable as the weather is Arlington nightlife in the winter. One of the coldest nights of the season on Staurday and yet everyone in the municipality seemed to be out at one of three or four bars. My band played The Clarendon Grill that night and I haven't seen the place turn into a zoo like that since our Cinco de Mayo show there last year. It is amazing what plenty of alcohol, close quarters, loud music, and an excuse to rub up against one another will do to people. Anyway, it was a great time but I do have some points of etiquette that I would like to share from the band's perspective. So here are a few tips from Stage Left:

1) Stay off the fucking stage. I know it's hot and crowded and everyone is having a good time, but stay off the fucking stage. I know how awesome it would be for your friends to see you and take some pictures of you wiggling up here, but stay off the fucking stage. I know everyone tells you what a lovely voice you have and that you should be in a band, but stay off the fucking stage. You see your drunk, wobbly, high-heel'd ass climbing onto the stage with a drink in your hand makes us very nervous as there is a lot of expensive, hard-to-get, boutique equipment up here so pretty please, with sugar on top, stay off the fucking stage.

2) We don't want your money. The club pays us and you pay the club. So when you throw cash at us on stage, that makes us feel dirty. Besides which you should probably hold onto that money as a) your Members Only jacket was looking a bit worn and b) I am pretty sure those bills were in some stripper's crotch at one point or another -- no thank you.

3) I am sorry, but that is the only Journey song that we play. Why are you taking this personally? It's not that we know any others and are choosing not to play them just to piss you off. What I mean is, we only know one Journey song. Why are you yelling at me?

4) Yes, I will gladly wish your friend a Happy Birthday and no, you do not have to buy us a round of shots for a simple shout-out.

5) I swear to g-d, that is the only song by Journey that we know.

6) OK, OK we will "play some fucking Skynrd" if you just please stop yelling that at us between songs. We've got a lot of material we want to perform for you but if you really want to hear "Sweet Home Alabama" then we will capitulate if only to keep the dance floor grooving. But you have to promise that you won't ask for any more Southern Rock. Please.

7) He's not that into you. From my perch four feet above the crowd I have had a good view of the entire room all night. Earlier I saw him grinding up against that girl, and that girl, and that girl, and that girl. Your (sober) friend is not being a bitch/prude, that dude is in fact a scumbag. Listen to the person who actually cares about you and do not have another shot.

8) First of all, thank you for waiting until between sets to request a song. And thank you for being polite rather than drunkenly screaming out your request in my face -- I know that we are the hired help but it is still nice to get a bit of courtesy. I am sorry that we don't know that particular song but perhaps there is something else you would like to hear that we do know.

9) Yes, I love talking about gear. Ask away.

10) I am very flattered and would like to meet your friend but I only have 15 minutes until my next set starts and many, many, many of our friends and family made a special point to come out and see us tonight and I have barely said five words to them. Maybe next time.