Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Random 8

I got "tagged" by a friend for this and since I have not posted in almost a month, it seems like a good way to get the juices flowing. However, contrarian that I am, I will not be forwarding said virus and tagging others. So without further ado, here are eight random facts concerning moi:

1. I have an alarmingly real man-crush on Hugh Grant.

I know that I have made self-deprecating references to this in the past, largely for "literary" effect, but it could not be more true. I dream of a world in which I wear bespoke-tailored English suits and brightly colored shirts everyday whilst charming atypically beautiful women with my literate and witty chatter. Alas, certain genetic traits prevent me from fitting into slim-cut suits or pulling off a "floppy" haircut so I continue to hold my candle in relatively silent shame.

2. I do not eat anything that involves mayonnaise in any way, shape, or form.

I believe that it is one of the foulest, allegedly edible substances on the planet and it bothers me to no end that it is automatically applied to one of my favorite foods, the club sandwich. Being present when I order a club sandwich is an awkward ordeal as I go through the same routine each and every time. I will make eye contact with my servers and hold their gaze for a few seconds to ensure that I have their complete attention. I then slowly and clearly announce my intentions to eat a club sandwich with NO MAYO. When saying "no mayo" I swipe my hand in front of me to emphasize the negative. I then wait for them to repeat my order, taking careful note that they mention the "no mayo" clause. In order to further embarrass any dining companions, I usually close with "this is very important" and then subtly allude to the temper tantrum that will follow should any mayo make its way onto my plate.

3. I am convinced that all of my friends will be engaged or married within the next year.

And this fucking TERRIFIES me. Given the choice between Fight and Flight, I am leaning towards Flight. As such I have begun some very preliminary planning with regards to moving away rather than sitting around and watching my friends jump the lemmings packed in shiny metal boxes. Although there is a Catch-22 here since I am such an attention/compliments whore. I pathetically enjoy having my friends' wives and friends gossip about me and tell me what a "great catch" I am. That's certainly all over if I leave town. I imagine that I will stick around and either actually try having a Real Relationship for once or simply content myself with being crazy Uncle P to everyone's forthcoming offsping.

4. As I write this I am currently on a "family vacation" with my parents and sister.

Hopefully this will be the last of its kind. It would be tacky of me to complain given that I am in Hawaii on my folks' dime, but I will do so anyway. It seems that I am once again 8 years old. My sister and I will be crashing together for the duration of the trip but the issue is that presently, due to a booking SNAFU and a crowded hotel, she and I are sharing a bed just like the last family vacation 20+ years ago. Given the circumstances I have reverted to my old antics of shoving my arm under her pillow, intentionally farting in the bed, and generally being a miserable bunkmate (just because I can). She prefers straight violence and and will full-on kick me when I am least expecting it. And we have both taken to fighting over possession of a stuffed animal she picked up at the gift shop simply because it is there to fight over. It's all very mature.

5. I am a connoisseur of cable soft porn.

I actually find it far more titillating than all of the no-holds-barred filth available to me on the internet. Sadly, I point to this as one of the few signs that I am in fact not completely jaded. Perhaps this is related to my utterly less teenage years (and beyond) as my only sexual release was the masturbatory fodder I could find on late night cable. Having watched years of this stuff and still tuning in even now because hey, free "porn" (well not free but included in my exorbitant cables fees courtesy of HBO, Starz, et al), I can provide quite the objective analysis of any T&A that cable has to offer. If you really want to be shocked and horrified, feed me a few drinks and ask for my oral dissertation on the evolution of HBO original late night programming from Dream On to the Real Sex series to the recent reality fuckfest that is Cathouse: The Series. Scary stuff...

6. I adore the ellipsis.


7. I don't own a suitcase.

I travel a good bit but refuse to own a suitcase. When flying, no matter the destination or purpose of the trip, I simply stuff everything I can fit into my in-frame backpack. I like to think that it is some stupid, baseless rebellion against those enormous rolling suitcases I see people dragging all over the goddamn airport but I know that isn't true. It is because I am trying to hold onto this (false) notion that I am a worldly traveller who needs only his backpack and a sturdy pair of shoes...of course I am typing this while sitting in one of the nicest (read: expensive) resorts on Oahu's north shore so any delusions I have need to be stripped away. The ridiculousness of my not having proper luggage reached its apex when travelling to Seattle for a wedding I had a friend pack my suit in his garment bag so I could cram all of my shit into my pack. I am always thinking ahead.

8. I think I should become a wedding planner.

Having been to approximately 342 weddings in the last two years, I think I am absolutely qualified to provide blunt, no-frills wedding planning advice at rock bottom rates. I can tell you:
  • What a DJ should play -- It doesn't matter as long as there are good grooves, heavy backbeats, and strong melodies.
  • What a DJ should not play -- Treacly country songs about god, or America, or especially god and America.
  • How much a wedding band is really worth. -- About a fraction of what they are actually charging you.
  • How to do your table assignments -- Don't. Have extra tables and let your guests fend for themselves because coworker Bill and cousin Ira have absolutely nothing to talk about.
  • The number of scripted wedding reception events (speeches, dances, etc.) -- Minimize the shit out of this because they are all awkward and dull moments for your guests who have patiently sat through the ceremony awaiting the promise of free booze.

I've got lots, lots more but I don't want to give it all away for free. Me, bitter? Never.


At 8/15/2007 11:34 PM, Anonymous ms. write again soon said...

Yay! I knew you had it in you...

Incidentally, I share your bed-sharing, family-vacation pain. I inevitably get stuck sharing a bed with my sister AND niece--both of whom kick terribly. From now on, I'm declaring a moratorium on same-sibling rooming arrangements.

Now, for the sake of all your adoring readers, go hole up in some hurricane bunker and avoid the dreaded Flossie.

At 8/16/2007 10:31 AM, Blogger Carrie M said...

you could be the male wedding consultant!

and so YOU'RE the guy who I see on business trips with a backpack and I wonder if he's trying to prove something. ;-)

At 8/20/2007 10:03 PM, Anonymous Slinger said...

You are cracking me up.


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