Panic
The panic set in and I pulled the ripcord and as a result my Xmas list just got shorter by one name. (My previous post seems so foolish now.) It's strange to me that immediately afterward I feel compelled to write. I haven't had this compulsion in so long, maybe it's therapeutic. Who knows.
In the end, over the last three months I have set all manner of new personal dating records. I actually dated someone this long. I said "I love you" and meant it. I broke someone's heart. And I don't even know why but what's worse, I don't think she does. It's horribly unfair.
The worst part however is the inescapable sense of Relief that has overcome me. Is it because I ended something I knew could not last or because I am just that addled and unable to sustain? Jesus, I hope it's the former rather than the latter. I thought that I would have it all figured out at 30. Maybe I do but apparently my subconscious and I are not on speaking terms. Why the silent treatment? Whatever the case, 2008 and will begin much as 2007 did; single, ready yet terrified to mingle.
Elizabeth, I don't think I'll be RSVP'ing +1 to the wedding...but I am excited nonetheless.
posted by Jason @ 10:43 PM
4 comments
4 Comments:
I am genuinely sorry for your pain, my man.
this kind of stuff never makes much sense. being 30, I thought things would clear up in some ways, and it just hasn't. For me, I feel like everyone else has it figured out (especially in the dating area) and am the kid left behind in special ed.
But then I realize people are better at faking it than I am. Anyway, I'm sorry, man.
Unfortunately, as I have found, age doesn't always factor into these sorts of things. It should, I suppose...but it doesn't always. Definitely good luck and for what it's worth--I think you are better off ending something that wasn't right that sticking around just to have 'something'...even if it's not easy.
(tongue in cheek humor)
You've still got a few weeks. Don't despair. The New Year could dawn with a new female in tow.
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