Not too long ago I quoted the Ben Franklin maxim about insanity being defined as the repetition of actions with the expectation of different results; something akin to banging one's head against the wall. Insanity as a component of the Male Condition may be the likely cause of my actions this weekend. That is, going down the same damn road and ending up in the same damn place.
I prefer to blame insanity rather than a breakdown in logic because that at least relieves me of some culpability. It helps to explain why I would agree to "hang out" with a girl I went out with a few times but politely blew me off several months ago. It explains how upon suggestion of us going to see The Devil Wears Prada, I said "sounds good." It explains why I thought it would be a great idea for her to come out later that night with my friends and me to the Pete Yorn show (which was really good). It surely explains why I would ditch my friends after the show to follow her and her crazy friends around Admas Morgan of all places. And it absolutley explains why I woke up alone on a couch in Dupont in the wee hours of the morning when I knew that was exactly what would happen after I received her first text message 16 hours earlier.
But my "insanity" is only a component of the problem. The larger issue is that I continually find myself in these situations where I am susceptible to doing stupid shit. And this is because of two reasons. One, I have a nose for undateable women. Like a moth to a flame, so I am drawn and the end result is always the same. Unfortunately for me my adroitness at sniffing out and getting involved with these undateable women is something I can neither control nor detect. I really am an idiot savant because I have no idea what I am doing; it only becomes evident after the fact -- in the wake of a couple of unreturned phone calls. So what is an undateable woman you ask.
An Undateable Woman is a creature who because of her large circle of platonic male friends, complex and frenetic social life, inability to do only one thing at one time, and a healthy dose of low self-esteem, does not date in the traditional sense. She hangs out. Pretty simple, right? Wrong. You see this decision to not date in the traditional sense occurs on a totally unconcious level -- much like my attraction to this kind of woman. Deep down this person does not want to date but she thinks she does and is therefore attracted to guys like me. Which brings us to reason number two as to why I find myself in these situations. I am Safe Guy amd Undateable Women love to date Safe Guy.
Safe Guy is the guy that will never burn them because they will be completely over him just when he is starting to get really infatuated. Safe Guy seemingly has a lot of dating options so he can be ditched with a mostly unguilty conscience. And Safe Guy won't put you in an uncomfortable postion because Safe Guy doesn't put the make on a woman without a written invitation (Safe Guy is kind of a pussy).
The fact that I am Safe Guy is exactly why my undateable little friend called me up out of the blue and my stupid bit of insanity is why I spent most of the day with her. There are plenty of people with whom Undateable Woman can hang but Safe Guy is a nice option because she can get a little more cozy with him. You can get all of the quaint benefits of being out on a date with Safe Guy without any of the costs. If you you are feeling bored and a little bit needy you can even make out with Safe Guy but with the safe assurance that he will not try and get into your pants because the one thing Safe Guy knows is that he does not get to have sex with Undateable Woman. Well he usually knows that but sometimes forgets although ultimately remembers once again. And that is because Undateable Woman only sleeps with guys she's not supposed to -- usually coworkers and bartenders. It's a really fucked up and complicated dynamic that takes years of working within to fully understand.
However there is a silver lining to this tale of shame and regret. I now have a working title for my derivative little piece of meta-fiction I hope to someday pen. You've probably already guessed by now; Safe Guy. I don't know what it is going to be about just yet but I do know the following
- The narration will be in the first-person,
- the characters will be an amalgamation of myself, my friends, and several Jungian archetypes,
- it will involve an Infatuation Triangle (or possibly larger polygon),
- and Safe Guy will remain single in the end but with a newfound sense of hopeful optimisim.
The rest is just words so it should only be a matter of time before it is published...straight to paperback.