Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Safe Guy

Not too long ago I quoted the Ben Franklin maxim about insanity being defined as the repetition of actions with the expectation of different results; something akin to banging one's head against the wall. Insanity as a component of the Male Condition may be the likely cause of my actions this weekend. That is, going down the same damn road and ending up in the same damn place.

I prefer to blame insanity rather than a breakdown in logic because that at least relieves me of some culpability. It helps to explain why I would agree to "hang out" with a girl I went out with a few times but politely blew me off several months ago. It explains how upon suggestion of us going to see The Devil Wears Prada, I said "sounds good." It explains why I thought it would be a great idea for her to come out later that night with my friends and me to the Pete Yorn show (which was really good). It surely explains why I would ditch my friends after the show to follow her and her crazy friends around Admas Morgan of all places. And it absolutley explains why I woke up alone on a couch in Dupont in the wee hours of the morning when I knew that was exactly what would happen after I received her first text message 16 hours earlier.

But my "insanity" is only a component of the problem. The larger issue is that I continually find myself in these situations where I am susceptible to doing stupid shit. And this is because of two reasons. One, I have a nose for undateable women. Like a moth to a flame, so I am drawn and the end result is always the same. Unfortunately for me my adroitness at sniffing out and getting involved with these undateable women is something I can neither control nor detect. I really am an idiot savant because I have no idea what I am doing; it only becomes evident after the fact -- in the wake of a couple of unreturned phone calls. So what is an undateable woman you ask.

An Undateable Woman is a creature who because of her large circle of platonic male friends, complex and frenetic social life, inability to do only one thing at one time, and a healthy dose of low self-esteem, does not date in the traditional sense. She hangs out. Pretty simple, right? Wrong. You see this decision to not date in the traditional sense occurs on a totally unconcious level -- much like my attraction to this kind of woman. Deep down this person does not want to date but she thinks she does and is therefore attracted to guys like me. Which brings us to reason number two as to why I find myself in these situations. I am Safe Guy amd Undateable Women love to date Safe Guy.

Safe Guy is the guy that will never burn them because they will be completely over him just when he is starting to get really infatuated. Safe Guy seemingly has a lot of dating options so he can be ditched with a mostly unguilty conscience. And Safe Guy won't put you in an uncomfortable postion because Safe Guy doesn't put the make on a woman without a written invitation (Safe Guy is kind of a pussy).

The fact that I am Safe Guy is exactly why my undateable little friend called me up out of the blue and my stupid bit of insanity is why I spent most of the day with her. There are plenty of people with whom Undateable Woman can hang but Safe Guy is a nice option because she can get a little more cozy with him. You can get all of the quaint benefits of being out on a date with Safe Guy without any of the costs. If you you are feeling bored and a little bit needy you can even make out with Safe Guy but with the safe assurance that he will not try and get into your pants because the one thing Safe Guy knows is that he does not get to have sex with Undateable Woman. Well he usually knows that but sometimes forgets although ultimately remembers once again. And that is because Undateable Woman only sleeps with guys she's not supposed to -- usually coworkers and bartenders. It's a really fucked up and complicated dynamic that takes years of working within to fully understand.

However there is a silver lining to this tale of shame and regret. I now have a working title for my derivative little piece of meta-fiction I hope to someday pen. You've probably already guessed by now; Safe Guy. I don't know what it is going to be about just yet but I do know the following
  1. The narration will be in the first-person,
  2. the characters will be an amalgamation of myself, my friends, and several Jungian archetypes,
  3. it will involve an Infatuation Triangle (or possibly larger polygon),
  4. and Safe Guy will remain single in the end but with a newfound sense of hopeful optimisim.

The rest is just words so it should only be a matter of time before it is published...straight to paperback.


At 9/19/2006 10:25 AM, Anonymous DCVita said...

Ok first of all, you saw Pete Yorn! I am so freakin jealous....I LOVE that man!

Second, I think in one sense, we all fall for the kind of person that is unavailable. I know I do it. Maybe it is the simple truth of "you always want what you can't have." Or maybe we are the ones that have psychological issues becuase we are attracted to people that are not all that interested. Maybe it is insecurity on our part?!

And finally, if you are anything like your blog portrays you, then you will find a great woman who will really appreciate your charm and wit. I think that experiences with these kind of people in our lives is necessary for self-reflection and growth.

Personally, I don't waste time with Mr. Unavailable anymore, and I think you will have recognized all the signs to stop yourself from falling for Ms. Undateable.

At 9/19/2006 10:40 AM, Anonymous Ryane said...

I agree with dcvita.

Esp. considering you both: recognize her for who she is, and you for who you are--I think that perhaps you are not as attracted to Ms. Undateable (who sorta just sounds like immature Bitch Girl to me anyway) as you maybe once were??

At 9/19/2006 11:54 AM, Blogger Jawn said...

Wait a minute...I thought that I was "Safe Guy"?! No, I take that back. Lately, I think a more appropriate nomenclature would be "Invisible Guy". Might I suggest that as the title for the sequel to your meta-fictional masterpiece?

Funny you posted this - I was working on something similar but couldn't bring myself to finish it. Oh, and no couches were involved...

At 9/19/2006 11:58 AM, Blogger Dara said...

Is it possible to be a "safe girl" -- 'Cause I think that's me?

You know, the one that is good to hang out with when your girlfriend is out of town or won't go to a sporting event.

I'm sensing a trilogy.

At 9/19/2006 3:18 PM, Anonymous Ryane said...


I smell mini-series...

At 9/20/2006 7:37 AM, Blogger Jason said...

Thank you, thank you. I must say that during the Yorn show with hundreds of screaming ladies everywhere, my buddy and I took a look around and had to admit that Pete Yorn is a very pretty man. And I do like a bit of drama because if the chase is too easy then there is no fun. On the other hand I usually end up losing said chase. I need a balance.

I think I maintain an attraction to all of the undateable women from my past but on a very ho-hum level. Since things always end amicably our social circles still intersect which means that little occurences like this weekend past's will happen occasionally. That being said, Safe Guy doesn't hold a torch for old flames but does sometimes forget to lock the kitchen door.

Johnny Boy, you need to stop lusting after those undateable girls in the office. We have a common disease.

The Safe Girl theory is very interesting but I would say it's more like Buddy Girl. Safe Girl is the girl that guys sleep with when their self-esteem is low and/or are rebounding. Safe Girl is no fun at a ballgame.

This is ALL going into the book, er, series.

At 9/20/2006 10:11 AM, Blogger Hey Pretty said...

Perhaps you should stop dating 13 year olds...?

At 9/20/2006 10:43 AM, Anonymous Paul Zhao said...

Wow, the girl you talked about seems really inconsiderate. You, as a person, guy or girl, should have the attitude "I'm a catch, I'm fun to be around, and I'm a good person. Anyone who is enjoyable to be around in my life is great, anyone who gives me unnecessary crap early in a relationship, I don't need that person in my life".

I switched to that attitude a few months ago. I found that I have less social activities going on, but I'm generally happier.

At 9/20/2006 10:52 AM, Blogger Irish Red said...

I agree with DCVita! Definitely a case of always want what you can't have.

And you're also right - girls call up 'safe guy' when they need a ego "pickmeup". Sad but true. But then again, if she wanted to date you, and loved you in all your 'safe guy-ness' you probably wouldn't want her quite so much.

Vicious cycle my friend

At 9/20/2006 11:19 AM, Blogger cuff said...

Brilliant post. Safe guy and buddy girl.

At 9/20/2006 11:47 AM, Blogger Golden Silence said...

I think we, regardless of our gender, tend to fall for people that aren't interested in us and cannot reciprocate those same feelings back. I've fallen for guys who have no interest in me whatsoever...and I've been on the receiving end of unwanted attraction. However, I am not one to lead someone on. I would let that person know that I have no romantic interest in them. It's cruel to string someone along and then months later tell them, "sorry...you're just a friend." Better to nip that in the bud as soon as possible.

At 9/20/2006 12:03 PM, Blogger playfulinnc said...

Seems that you have a lot in common with Ms. UnAvail.

Both say they want to date, but find themselves with those who are not truly "looking".

Bad metaphor: You catch the fish that like your bait.

Change your bait, dude.

At 9/20/2006 12:15 PM, Blogger Lillian said...

First, I couldn't agree more with DcVita's comment that you now know what makes a woman unavailable, which means you can take steps to keep from falling into that trap again--and you deserve mucho credit for that. It takes both guts and intelligence to realize where you're going wrong.

Secondly, Paul's comment about attitude is also spot-on. In the famous words of Popeye, I yam what I yam--and if people like and appreciate that, great. If they don't, too bad for them--they're not worth your time.

Third, you're clearly a witty and smart guy. If the women you're interested in can't appreciate that, then, as trite as it sounds, it really is their loss.

Good luck!

At 9/20/2006 1:21 PM, Blogger SAS said...

Oh good lord, you are clearly too smart to be hanging out with a woman who would want to troll Adam's Morgan (on a weekend?) I mean, come on, you can find someone who will be impressed by your Marquez (and Thomas Friedman?) Seriously. It's a city of bright people. They are out there.

Or maybe she's brighter than you let on. With so many people in her orbit there must be some appeal to her pull.

Or else she's just really hot.

At 9/20/2006 1:51 PM, Blogger Jason said...

It's always the more titillating posts that DC Blogs seems to pick up on.

I think I should clarify that the particular U.W. in this tale is a very nice girl and a lot of fun to be around. I knew exactly what I was getting myself into as there were no misconceptions. I just like to torture myself from time to time when between women. (How I wish that were a double entendre.)

I think it is inevitable that I will run across undateable types in the future but the key is to recognize things sooner and realize, "its not me it's them." Ultimately, I enjoy surfing the DC dating waters and the highs and lows that come with that.

Am I unconscsiously drawn to undateable women because of my own dating phobias? I doubt it. I think I sometimes end up with those types because that seems to be a lot of the women I meet. Should I probably switch the waters in which I fish? Absolutely.

To all of the witty, playful, issues-conscious, fun-loving, dating games-hating women of the metro area, where do you mingle?

At 9/20/2006 2:51 PM, Blogger Golden Silence said...

It's a city of bright people. They are out there.

Where? Because I seem to only encounter thugs with a limited vocabulary of "shawty" and "boo."

At 9/20/2006 3:20 PM, Blogger momentary said...

excellent use of adroit. that's not a particularly 'safe' word. you've got promise.

best wishes.

At 9/20/2006 6:09 PM, Blogger SAS said...

Golden Silence - Yeah, not sure about that one. Sorry. I'm convinced there are bright women out there, and I have to believe there are bright and interesting men as well. But they're evasive suckers.

Hipster Dork - You are very good with words. Re: Hangouts... I'm thinking. What's your type?

At 9/20/2006 8:16 PM, Blogger geechee suede said...

I agree with you 100%. But what I do diffrently, is that if "undateable woman,braod, etc." calls me because she's bored or feels needy, then I remember what she did to me and send her punk ass to voicemail and keep it movin..I've truned from "safe guy" to angry man....

At 9/21/2006 3:38 PM, Blogger Golden Silence said...

I am not one for the bar scene, since I don't drink or smoke...so I look for guys in bookstores, cafes, art galleries, and whatnot. All the cute and interesting guys are taken...and I refuse to settle for some random scrub with a limited vocabulary!

All in all, I think I'm just screwed. Maybe I should consider celibacy.

At 9/21/2006 9:15 PM, Blogger Shakes said...

i think this is the greatest piece of prose ever written. well, next to the magna carta and several calvin & hobbes books. but besides those two things, it is in the top 3. for sheezy.

At 10/25/2008 9:12 PM, Anonymous Julie said...

I agree with Dara... I am Safe Girl. Except I seem to date Unavailable Boy. You know, still- getting-over-a-divorce-from-6 years-ago guy, or "I am moving to Alaska next week, otherwise I think you are really cool" dude. Or, "If only we met last week, this week I met the girl of my dreams". And my most recent, "I am still grieving my wife who died four years ago."
So... where is Mr. Available and why do I do these INSANE acts as well and gravitate towards Mr Unavailable. Any psychoanalysts out there?


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